Pt. I

The anticipation for this post has been a long time coming. Honestly, it’s taken so long because I wasn’t quite ready to throw my guts out on the table for everyone to see. Although, that seems a bit too graphic, it’s true. Being vulnerable/transparent doesn’t come natural to me, but rather I have to force myself to let people in.

Heading into my 25th year of life, I wanted one thing – to practice being vulnerable during the process. It’s easier to share your story when you’ve experienced breakthrough, but it’s harder to be vulnerable during the process – when you feel flawed, abnormal, and not yourself. Instead of just allowing people to hear the testimony, I want people to experience my vulnerability in the ‘shipwreck’.

So here it goes, bear with me-

My twenty-fourth year felt like a seemingly never ending roller coaster of being so close, but not quite able to reach or see the end. I banged on doors that wouldn’t open, I consistently threw my eggs in the wrong baskets, and I got my hopes up one too many times. I experienced agonizing disappointment and found myself questioning the very things I knew to be true. Was God really good? If so, why was I suffering and in pain?

I felt as if I was constantly being pushed under the water…drowning if you will and not having the strength or energy to keep fighting. Actually, that’s not completely accurate – not having the desire to keep fighting. What was the point in fighting if I knew that I had no control? Why not let the waves take over? It seemed like a hell of a lot easier to let go, than to try and fight this monster.

Before you think this is a depressing recap post- let me redeem myself. Yes, I experienced all these feelings of loneliness, hurt, pain, and disappointment…but what I didn’t realize was it gave me the capacity to feel everything deeper. That through “exploring the darkness…I discovered the infinite power of my light.” (Brene Brown).

When I look back on my last year, it all seems like a blur of events…a year of me going through the motions just to survive. There were moments of being depressed, numb, and “over it” (for a lack of a better term). While others were thriving, I was barely surviving. Anyone with me?

Then I read the book “How to Survive a Shipwreck” by Jonathan Martin (thanks to my brother). If you haven’t read this book, you need to. This book fully encompassed everything I had felt. It put words to the feelings that I couldn’t explain. Jonathan talks about how “you don’t know the depth of your soul until whole chunks of you are falling into the bottom of it…” Although I’ve experienced this pain, it’s brought along the biggest surprise of all – my newfound sense of joy. Perhaps, letting the waves take over was the best decision of all – it meant that I stopped trying to be in control, let myself go, and actually faced the monsters.

Life isn’t always perfect and things don’t always go as planned, but there’s a purpose for it all. Best believe that.

Stay tuned for Pt. II.

xx Britt

June 14, 2017 by britttsmith Tags: community, fearless, Growth, healing, life, transparency, waves Leave a comment

The Way Things Were

Seeing as my life seems to be a lot of “reminiscing on old times” lately…it seemed fitting to talk about moving on from “the way things were”.

It’s never easy moving on….EVER! I guess you could say that I’ve gone through a lot of changes and transition within the past couple years. Honestly, more than anything I would have ever asked or imagined. From dealing with what seems to be endless health issues, to my parent’s getting a divorce, and to not getting what I thought was my “dream job”. My point isn’t to start a pity party, one because I can’t stand them, and two because no one has time for that.

However, one thing I’ve discovered through this process is that the only therapeutic way for me to process it, is through writing (which I’ve loved since I was a kid). So here’s my thoughts written out on my new fancy smhancy blog. Welcome…hope that wasn’t too intense of an intro 🙂

So how do you move on from “the ways things were”?

Honestly, I’m still figuring that out myself. First things first, divorce is NEVER EASY. It’s not easy when you’re a child, and it’s not easy when you’re 23 years old like me. Why? Because the Lord never intended for divorce. It was NEVER supposed to be that way. But it happens, it happens to non-Christians couples and Christian couples. Without going into the depths and crevices of my situation, my parents divorce led me into a deep and seemingly dark depression back in 2013. Nothing like I had ever felt before, I could no longer feel, I was completely numb from everything. I got to the point where I could no longer cry, I couldn’t focus, I lost me appetite, and my joy was buried beneath my calloused heart. I spent my fair share asking God why He would allow such a thing to happen to my family. But no matter how much I questioned…I couldn’t get myself to blame God. Questioning God wouldn’t bring things back to the way they were.
I vividly remember sitting in my car balling my eyes out in college and aggressively banging my steering wheel just about every night. I was feeling emotions that I didn’t know what to do with. Was I allowed to feel that way? I feel like this is a subject that isn’t talked about very much, especially within the Church. Well I’m here to tell you that it happens and it sucks (sorry, I couldn’t find a better word). You begin to question your entire life. Was my childhood one big lie? Then all hell breaks loose and you begin to ponder how your life will be forever changed. I will no longer come home for the weekend from college and have both parents there, I now have to navigate one of the most awkward things; “split holidays”, I will have to go through my parents dating other people, there will no longer be family Christmas cards, no more family vacations as a whole, my wedding invitations won’t be addressed by both parents together, my children won’t be able to go to “my parent’s” house (same house that is), my picture of what my family was…will never be the same. These are all things that were racing through my head. And to this day, it still brings tears to my eyes, because I miss the way things were.

I may never get back to it, but there’s one thing I’ve learned through the process…and that is that God is ALWAYS good. Despite the fact that the circumstances around me were not ideal by any means, I made it out alive…I made it out stronger. Through that dark time of feeling like I was drowning under water, I was able to write songs that gave me hope…I was able to write/blog about real life (and hopefully better relate to others), I was able to learn to love even when it hurt like hell, and I was able to experience a side of God I had never encountered before. The loving and gracious side. Living a life with Jesus doesn’t mean that we never feel hurt and pain, it just means that we choose to focus our gaze on God despite the storm around us.

This is still an ongoing process that I daily have to battle, but I have a hope that God will work things out. Things might not be the way they were, but God still has a plan for me and my family. What happened to me doesn’t take me out the running to fulfill my destiny, what happened to me doesn’t hang over my head as a burden, and what happened to me doesn’t dictate my future. Because last time I checked…God is still sitting on the throne, He’s still in control, and He’s still more powerful than any of my problems.

The way things were might never again be my reality, but I choose to cling on to hope and trust that my life will still end up where it’s supposed to be. That this crazy and unexpected detour has become a beautiful journey of learning to trust, to grow, and to love.

July 3, 2015July 6, 2015 by britttsmith Tags: beautiful, coping, divorce, fearless, Growth, healing, life 3 Comments