Pt. I

The anticipation for this post has been a long time coming. Honestly, it’s taken so long because I wasn’t quite ready to throw my guts out on the table for everyone to see. Although, that seems a bit too graphic, it’s true. Being vulnerable/transparent doesn’t come natural to me, but rather I have to force myself to let people in.

Heading into my 25th year of life, I wanted one thing – to practice being vulnerable during the process. It’s easier to share your story when you’ve experienced breakthrough, but it’s harder to be vulnerable during the process – when you feel flawed, abnormal, and not yourself. Instead of just allowing people to hear the testimony, I want people to experience my vulnerability in the ‘shipwreck’.

So here it goes, bear with me-

My twenty-fourth year felt like a seemingly never ending roller coaster of being so close, but not quite able to reach or see the end. I banged on doors that wouldn’t open, I consistently threw my eggs in the wrong baskets, and I got my hopes up one too many times. I experienced agonizing disappointment and found myself questioning the very things I knew to be true. Was God really good? If so, why was I suffering and in pain?

I felt as if I was constantly being pushed under the water…drowning if you will and not having the strength or energy to keep fighting. Actually, that’s not completely accurate – not having the desire to keep fighting. What was the point in fighting if I knew that I had no control? Why not let the waves take over? It seemed like a hell of a lot easier to let go, than to try and fight this monster.

Before you think this is a depressing recap post- let me redeem myself. Yes, I experienced all these feelings of loneliness, hurt, pain, and disappointment…but what I didn’t realize was it gave me the capacity to feel everything deeper. That through “exploring the darkness…I discovered the infinite power of my light.” (Brene Brown).

When I look back on my last year, it all seems like a blur of events…a year of me going through the motions just to survive. There were moments of being depressed, numb, and “over it” (for a lack of a better term). While others were thriving, I was barely surviving. Anyone with me?

Then I read the book “How to Survive a Shipwreck” by Jonathan Martin (thanks to my brother). If you haven’t read this book, you need to. This book fully encompassed everything I had felt. It put words to the feelings that I couldn’t explain. Jonathan talks about how “you don’t know the depth of your soul until whole chunks of you are falling into the bottom of it…” Although I’ve experienced this pain, it’s brought along the biggest surprise of all – my newfound sense of joy. Perhaps, letting the waves take over was the best decision of all – it meant that I stopped trying to be in control, let myself go, and actually faced the monsters.

Life isn’t always perfect and things don’t always go as planned, but there’s a purpose for it all. Best believe that.

Stay tuned for Pt. II.

xx Britt

Advertisements

F V S H I O N

Recently I’ve been getting more and more comments about how I should post more about my outfits on Instagram. So for those who follow me…you’ll have noticed that I’ve been posting a lot more clothing related posts. And for those who don’t follow me…find me under @brittsmith.

Along with posting on Instagram, I decided to start doing an occasional post here and there strictly related to outfits I love.

So here we go……

Lately I’ve found myself constantly wanting to rock hats and the casual-sporty-look-like you-tried look, without having to exert a lot of effort. This involves me picking a comfortable pair of shoes (Nike’s, Adidas, Converse, Birkenstocks, etc.) and catering my entire look around them. Many people cater outfits around a specific pair of jeans…their favorite shirt….a statement necklace….for me….it’s been around shoes! 😉

Here’s a few I recently came up with…

LOOK #1: Leather Jacket for the win!

Screen Shot 2016-03-29 at 12.43.31 PM

Leather Jacket: Top Shop

Hat: Tauren Wells

Necklace: Giving Keys (Mine says “Inspire”)

Shirt: Zara

Jeans: H&M

Shoes: Adidas Superstar’s

Nothing like a leather jacket, some ripped jeans, and a hat!

LOOK #2: Camo/d a z e

Screen Shot 2016-03-29 at 12.42.51 PM

 

Camo Jacket: Target

Hat: Tauren Wells

Necklace: Giving Keys (Mine says “Courage”)

Shirt/Dress: Cotton On 

Shoes: Converse

LOOK #3: Layers…

Screen Shot 2016-03-29 at 12.43.15 PM

Crewneck: Hillsong Young & Free

Layering Tee: Ross

Leggings: Cotton On

Shoes: Converse

Fringe Backpack/Purse: Target

I’m always layering…I like the dynamic it adds to each outfit!

LOOK #4: Open-back Tee

Screen Shot 2016-03-29 at 12.43.05 PM

Windbreaker Jacket: Nike

Open-back Shirt: Forever 21

Leggings: Lululemon

Shoes: Nike AirMax 90’s

 

Hoping my “simple” outfits can inspire you to put together some of your own.

I’m living proof that you can put together the simplest of outfits (with very little effort) and still look cute. Comment below and let me know what you think along with some of your go-to outfits.

See ya soon xx

 

I’m tired of being “that person”….

Hey there,

Sorry for the delay in posting….safe to say it’s been a rough couple of weeks and I was waiting until I had clarity to write a post.

You all are probably reading the title and wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Let me shed some light to my recent frustrations.

Ever been in church and the pastor calls for all those who need breakthrough to stand up? Or for those who need healing in their bodies to stand up? Or maybe he does a general prayer for those who “just need prayer” to stand up? Fortunately for me, I always seem to fit in every category….LITERALLY every category (the Lord has a sense of humor). This then prompts me to stand up and receive prayer from those around me. But more recently, I found myself being frustrated that I constantly have to be “that person” that always stands up. This has been me for the last 5 years. I’m not going to pretend like life is all skittles, rainbows, and cute puppies all the time…but rather I consistently have to fight these spurts of feeling really crappy inside and out.

It brings up so many insecurities within me, brings up so many questions to God why I’m still battling, and it’s a blatant reminder of my current situation that flat out sucks (filtered term). Many times this standing up leads to streams of tears flowing out of my eyes, mascara leaking down the sides of my cheeks, and an anxiety that I’ve never felt before. It’s in that moment where I feel so vulnerable, so helpless, and so frustrated that I have to stand up for prayer AGAIN (Or if you’re like me and attending multiple services…this means awkwardly standing up each service).

But within the last couple of weeks, the Lord has shifted my perspective on getting prayer and admitting that I’m battling something bigger than me. Standing up for me is not some sort of pity party where everyone crowds around to grieve with me. But standing up for me is a declaration admitting that I can’t make it on my own…that I’m weary and need those around me to help hold my arms up (just like Aaron and Hur did for Moses). This vulnerable second is truly a beautiful moment of inviting your community to fight your battle with you. Don’t get me wrong, just because the end result has the potential of being amazing…doesn’t mean that taking that step to stand up is easy. Trust me, I fight myself every time. But what I’m saying is…there is something so special about having people there to encourage you and remind you of the promises of God. That these people will not only hold your arms up when you’re getting tired, but they are also there to make sure you don’t give up until you’ve reached your Promised Land. Because He who Promised is Faithful.

Just know that you weren’t meant to try and make it on your own. Be encouraged and know that you’re not alone. Standing up isn’t a sign of weakness or a cry for attention. It’s ok to ask for prayer…it’s ok to admit that life is hard (or in my words “sucky”)…it’s ok to ask for help…it’s ok to feel how you feel…don’t discredit any of this. But in those seemingly dark moments, choose to cling to hope, choose to trust that the Lord never fails us…that He is ALWAYS faithful…no matter what.

Although, I’ve been battling auto-immune issues for well over 8 years now…I’m determined to continue battling until I’ve reached my Promised Land.

Now excuse me while I go stand up for some prayer!! 🙂 haha

xo Britt

The Way Things Were

Seeing as my life seems to be a lot of “reminiscing on old times” lately…it seemed fitting to talk about moving on from “the way things were”.

It’s never easy moving on….EVER! I guess you could say that I’ve gone through a lot of changes and transition within the past couple years. Honestly, more than anything I would have ever asked or imagined. From dealing with what seems to be endless health issues, to my parent’s getting a divorce, and to not getting what I thought was my “dream job”. My point isn’t to start a pity party, one because I can’t stand them, and two because no one has time for that.

However, one thing I’ve discovered through this process is that the only therapeutic way for me to process it, is through writing (which I’ve loved since I was a kid). So here’s my thoughts written out on my new fancy smhancy blog. Welcome…hope that wasn’t too intense of an intro 🙂

So how do you move on from “the ways things were”?

Honestly, I’m still figuring that out myself. First things first, divorce is NEVER EASY. It’s not easy when you’re a child, and it’s not easy when you’re 23 years old like me. Why? Because the Lord never intended for divorce. It was NEVER supposed to be that way. But it happens, it happens to non-Christians couples and Christian couples. Without going into the depths and crevices of my situation, my parents divorce led me into a deep and seemingly dark depression back in 2013. Nothing like I had ever felt before, I could no longer feel, I was completely numb from everything. I got to the point where I could no longer cry, I couldn’t focus, I lost me appetite, and my joy was buried beneath my calloused heart. I spent my fair share asking God why He would allow such a thing to happen to my family. But no matter how much I questioned…I couldn’t get myself to blame God. Questioning God wouldn’t bring things back to the way they were.
I vividly remember sitting in my car balling my eyes out in college and aggressively banging my steering wheel just about every night. I was feeling emotions that I didn’t know what to do with. Was I allowed to feel that way? I feel like this is a subject that isn’t talked about very much, especially within the Church. Well I’m here to tell you that it happens and it sucks (sorry, I couldn’t find a better word). You begin to question your entire life. Was my childhood one big lie? Then all hell breaks loose and you begin to ponder how your life will be forever changed. I will no longer come home for the weekend from college and have both parents there, I now have to navigate one of the most awkward things; “split holidays”, I will have to go through my parents dating other people, there will no longer be family Christmas cards, no more family vacations as a whole, my wedding invitations won’t be addressed by both parents together, my children won’t be able to go to “my parent’s” house (same house that is), my picture of what my family was…will never be the same. These are all things that were racing through my head. And to this day, it still brings tears to my eyes, because I miss the way things were.

I may never get back to it, but there’s one thing I’ve learned through the process…and that is that God is ALWAYS good. Despite the fact that the circumstances around me were not ideal by any means, I made it out alive…I made it out stronger. Through that dark time of feeling like I was drowning under water, I was able to write songs that gave me hope…I was able to write/blog about real life (and hopefully better relate to others), I was able to learn to love even when it hurt like hell, and I was able to experience a side of God I had never encountered before. The loving and gracious side. Living a life with Jesus doesn’t mean that we never feel hurt and pain, it just means that we choose to focus our gaze on God despite the storm around us.

This is still an ongoing process that I daily have to battle, but I have a hope that God will work things out. Things might not be the way they were, but God still has a plan for me and my family. What happened to me doesn’t take me out the running to fulfill my destiny, what happened to me doesn’t hang over my head as a burden, and what happened to me doesn’t dictate my future. Because last time I checked…God is still sitting on the throne, He’s still in control, and He’s still more powerful than any of my problems.

The way things were might never again be my reality, but I choose to cling on to hope and trust that my life will still end up where it’s supposed to be. That this crazy and unexpected detour has become a beautiful journey of learning to trust, to grow, and to love.